Dreams from my childhood
In my youth I often had dreams in which I had forgotten to get dressed. I walked to school naked or in pajamas. I didn’t notice it right away, but at some point I did. I would wake up full of shame.
At that time, shame determined a large part of my life. I hid, didn’t dare to show myself. I covered myself so that no one would see me; so that no one would discover that I existed. Apparently I experienced the world as dangerous and it was necessary to hide.
A nightmare from a very difficult period in my life
I am sitting in a cart on a roller coaster. The cart is going around all the bends at breakneck speed. It is a real roller coaster. The cart flies off the roller coaster, into the air, because of the speed. It turns around in the air. I am hanging in the cart and I am holding on to the edges with my hands and feet; my face is facing down. I can hardly hold on any longer, I have to let go, but I don’t dare because I would fall to my death. Below me I see the sea, but there are also all kinds of sharp rocks. I cling on desperately. Awake.
That period in my life was an emotional roller coaster for me. It was a period in which I desperately held on to a relationship that was unliveable. But I didn’t dare to leave, because then everything would collapse. Then there would be nothing left of me. Below me is the sea, water, the symbol for feeling. But I didn’t dare to throw myself into that sea of feelings. I preferred to hold on to that relationship, to that cart that flew through the air that could not last long anyway. A clear example of how destructive holding on to such an illusion is. And of course that relationship ended with a lot of pain and sorrow.
A powerful dream, about five years later
I am the King of China. Servants come to me, ministers, who look like Buddhist monks. They tell me that I have to do something about the troubles in the periphery of my kingdom. I tell them that I am not going to do it: it is not worth it. The servants try to convince me, but I stand firm. Then they say: “We will do it ourselves!” I am standing in the middle of my kingdom and can see it all. I see the monks in the periphery on bicycles, with fluttering orange robes, following the troubles. Those troubles are piled up blocks. When the monks come close, they fall apart, but behind their backs they simply pile up again. I have trouble standing in the middle of my kingdom. I feel tempted to interfere with what those monks are doing, but I do not. Then they come back. They say to me: “You were right. It wasn’t worth it.” And then they hand me a wooden bowl with fresh vegetables in it. Carrots and broccoli. I accept the bowl kindly.
This dream showed me what my life – and I think everyone’s life – is all about. Not being led by the events around you. They are always changing. There is always something going on in the world. It is about staying in ‘your center’, in your center, from where you can see what is worth your attention and what is not. Where you can contribute and where not. Yet we are repeatedly tempted to act in situations over which we have no influence. But as adults we are responsible for our own lives: we are the King of our own existence. It is up to us to choose to act on the basis of optimal self-respect in maximum modesty. On the basis of what is good, true and beautiful. This dream has since become a guideline in my life. It is also a metaphor for the basis from which I work with clients.